Its All I Have

As the title says, right now its all I have to just exist it feels like. Running has continued to improve despite efforts by my body to shut down. Training has continued to be a focal point which gives me something to look forward too. With all on the outside appearing normal it has taken all I have to maintain the facade.
Yes, there’s always a facade in most people some of the time. Its human nature to keep to ourselves or at least wanting to keep to ourselves. What does this have to do with running you wonder? Well in my case running has allowed the depression in my life to be minimal most of the time and if not minimal, more manageable without devastating outcomes. Running from problems so to speak has afforded me much good in life.
The last year and a half has been a slow and painful decline from running since my thyroid became diseased. A spiral that started a while back and wasn’t that noticeable in the beginning has culminated in the radioactive iodine treatment for Grave’s disease. Medication worked for a few weeks and was a positive boost in my life. I enjoyed running again and could see gains being made.
Gians being made are important to most runners and I am no different. I had acquired frustration and worry on most of my runs for over a year, so gains made from 11:30 min a mile to even 11:00 min miles were substantial. (7-8 min miles were possible before Grave’s disease) Life was feeling normal again. Not that wanting or even thinking about wanting to run far is normal to most, but it is to me.
Continuing on the path of healing, Dr’s orders were now to take hyperthyroidism and turn into hypothyroidism, a more manageable disease he said. I followed orders and running continued to improve, as well as the other symptoms of Grave’s disease. I often commented during that period that this was the best I’d ever felt, ever being in my life.
It wasn’t long after that that I started feeling down. Feel down and go for a run, things would improve. That did work to a certain degree. Seeing my times improve on the pace runs and speedwork drills are always a bonus. Getting out of bed for workouts got harder. Reminded of late stage marathon training. I’m not training for a marathon though.
Out of bed doing most of my workouts these last couple weeks, I dropped swimming and justified it with “taper” for my A race coming up Thanksgiving was what I told myself. As runners we have a lot of conversations within ourselves to motivate, inspire, adjust, and sometimes lie. I think the “taper” talk was a lie. It was just a 5k that I’d been training for is why I say that.
With the 5k approaching the normal excitement wasn’t there as in events past. I’d even started doubting if I was going to run in it. Depression was setting in and upon review has been setting in for some time. I’d get down and come back up a little. Still running and feeling good, then it was running and not feeling bad. Now the good feeling of having treated the thyroid has dissipated completely and depression has now become in charge. It comes with this type of treatment for Grave’s disease.
Treating my disease and training have gone hand in hand in a positive way for 7 of the last 12 weeks, now not so much. The decline was so gradual to me that I have not noticed it until after having run my 5k. Yes, I did compete and even had some excitement about it. I ran 22:33 which is not far off where I was about 2 years ago. This is outstanding news! Yet, my inside self didn’t feel like that. Don’t get me wrong I am happy that I trained for and reached my goals for this race. I was hoping on a 23 flat so surpassing that let’s me know I not only trained right but am physically healing with my metabolism. Drawback in all of this healing is the depression, you can supercede a superlative of your choice before depression, I have a favorite one that I use. Next week its back to the Dr for blood work and follow up for the synthetic hormone therapy. I am looking forward to that for it carries some hope of relief.
I’ve been writing about relief in the form of running and the hope of the treatment of my Grave’s disease these last few months and they’ve been positive. Today’s blog does have positive in it. I  do know my thyroid is no longer hyperactive. I do know I have regained most of the speed that I’d lost over the course of a year. I do know that running once again has helped my survive tough situations. I do know things will get better despite how I feel at this moment.

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